You and I, I don't think our paths were ever supposed to cross. We had no mutual friends. We weren't even friends actually.
Our paths diverged after we graduated from primary school, in fact, I never even really knew you back in primary school. You were just this tiny sized, naughty little boy in my eyes. I don't even remember if this impression I have of you was you, it's so vague and blurry at the edges I'm assuming I remember when maybe I don't.
It sounds clichè, comical even, that Instagram was what even sparked anything. I never thought much when I clicked the follow back button. I think I even contemplated following you back, because back then I had less than a 100 following and I was really selective with who I wanted to follow. Friends only, I said to myself. And I hadn't much friends I wanted to follow.
I don't think you were never supposed to approach me via private message in December 2014 for some random kinda stuff about repping your newly established activewear brand. You were never supposed to talk to me again a few weeks later about a year end batch'09 school gathering, then subsequently ask for my number so you could add me into a WhatsApp group of some sorts.
And I don't think I was ever supposed to give it to you, cuz I was really insular and conservative back then with my personal details. I was also very, very attuned to ignoring people cuz I was always lazy and uninterested.
If we were to meet back then, I don't think we would have had anything.
We talked about this just tonight, and you agreed with me, said that you wouldn't have been into Bodybuilding yet, Nor would you have had a more matured take on life yet. And I was still attached. I had a Boyfriend.
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If parallel lives existed:
I wondered what if
that lover I had had never hit a man because of me and gotten banned from our workplace and hence had chosen to work at the airport where He met Her.
if He had never flirted and fallen in love with Her ,
if He had never slept with Her,
then maybe I would've forgiven him and Asked him to stay and He and I would still be together.
If that did really happen in another parallel life, I'm thankful it didn't happen in this one.
Because then I would have never met You.
It was all a cause and effect, a chain of events waiting to happen.
It was hard, it was hell, it took strength, a lot of strength, to allow myself to view things impartially and derive growth from pain I would never wish unto others.
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You would have never asked me out. Even if you did, I would not have gone with you. We would never have had a chance in the first place. My life would be entirely different.
I would probably still be repping goth. Probably still be skinny. fearful of food. Ingesting vegetables and lots of fruits, having no real sense of a balanced palette, forcing myself through drilling regimes and training sessions and cardiovascular activities. Shedding off my last bit of stubborn fat. I was pretty close...
I had sorta abs. A 21"+ waist. Thigh gap. Small thighs for the first time in my life. A kinda jawline.
Then, i had a fear. a restricted diet. A restricted regime. Bad moods. Fatigued, sad, down until I got myself high on exercise endorphins.
I don't know how you did it, maybe you inspired me. you were my pillar of support, you still are. you helped me overcome fear. You made eating feel okay. You made me feel like having fat wasn't such a bad thing afterall. You taught me how to train with weights, helped me build up my strength, to form physique goals.
I fought with self image for a really Long time, sometimes I still fight with it when I don't get to train enough. But you have helped me to relieve myself from myself a lot more than you would've believed. You are stronger and more influential than you believe you are Ryan.
If I had another parallel me in another parallel universe living that life I've so tactfully left behind, I would tell her to run away from it.
I never regret anything that happened in the past because it made me who I am today. I also never wish to take back anything... Not even my mistakes or my follies, because without them I would not have learnt Nor grown.
With every ounce of strength I bow and I thank God, thank you for allowing something that I thought would kill and rip me to shreds build me into a person of will and strength.
Thank you God for allowing me to find happiness and great wonders in a man when I was so adamant that I would always be miserable and die alone amongst 20 cats.
Thank you God for leasing me an entirely different life, allowing me to find my passion and seek happiness in the simplest of things - pure, genuine care, concern and love.
Thank you God, for through all the sandstorms I only emerge stronger.
