a kind of unforgettable pain that life puts you through

Disclaimer: this was just a little something I wrote back in March that I never got around to posting.

it's late, almost 1am.
my eyelids are twitching, my body drained and ragged from a long day.
it's just another late night with a lot of thoughts pecking and pounding inside my brain.

sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if I didn't care so much, if I were a human without emotions...would I still be a human?

then if I were to still be a human, when then, does a human cease being a human?

that memory of being inhuman isn't that far off, actually. I was inhuman then.
when broken and dark, you gradually lose every bit of emotion you've got in your pits.
it was just 7 months back, when I lost every ounce of dignity and feeling I had.

I remember writing that it was okay to not feel anything, to hide away from emotions.
at that moment the pain was so raw the only thing I could do was to escape through denial.
I remember saying that it was okay to hide for awhile, that only when I felt better then I should allow the pain the acknowledgement it deserved, only then should I fully delve into the process because then I'd be stronger, less breakable.

I am stronger now.. it's time for it to deserve that acknowledgement.
7 months ago, I went through the hardest period of my life.
I lost many things that mattered to me, many things that my entire life revolved around.
when stripped of everything that you derived life and hope from, you are left an empty shell with nowhere to turn.

everyone was oblivious, I only told that much to Ryan and mum and dad.

I wouldn't say that I've completely gotten over it,
it did affect me a lot, way more than I would have wished it did.
sometimes I still get reminded of how crippled I was, but I don't let it dictate me anymore.
I was a walking bomb, a detonation waiting to implode.

I always ask myself - if I could change what had happened, would I have tried to avoid it? I've thought it through 10 times, and all 10 times I've decided that I wouldn't.
I live my life telling myself never to regret anything.

everything God puts me through is meant to teach me a lesson. I am not Christian, nor do I have a religion. but I feel that among all things, even something as 'insignificant' as someone giving you a smile when they accidentally catch eye contact with you on the bus is meant to teach you something: that who would have known? a smile from a stranger is the remedy to a horrible day.....
...that maybe this is meant to tell me i should smile at strangers too, that maybe i'd be the star to their darkness.

I remember that period when I was at my darkest - I adorned normally, turned up in school the same, but my face was a blank, my eyes lifeless pits when I was alone. I had a neighbor that I had never spoken to, but that period she begun saying good morning to me. we always chanced upon each other in the lift, and her greetings were the one of the few things that really revived my dead heart. her kind words still hold crystal clear in my heart till today, I still greet her when I see her. I still remember how she helped me (albeit unknowingly), forget about the pain for a short few seconds. I remember marveling. it just meant so much to me, it was like the moon in a pitch black world.

I have taken pain and loss and molded them into lessons that has shaped me into a different person.
I am grateful.
for every obstacle i went through in my journey, I have regretted none.

I don't regret anybody, any relationship, anything at all.
if you are conscious enough, you will realize that everything that you go through allows you to derive some form of lesson that shapes, affects and impacts you, even if just a little.

every once in a while I think about this:
if I had not gone through everything that had shaped me I would not have been the person I had been when Ryan and I crossed paths.
if I had not been that person I had been at that moment we might not have taken an interest in each other.
if we had not taken an interest in each other nothing that we would have done together would have happened.

it's so easy for a split second, a missing sentence or an altered history to change everything.

there would be no dinners, no hikes, no picnics, no movies, no sunset/sunris-watching, no beach, no park walks, no late night junking on donuts, no deep talks, no laughing till your stomach hurts and you want to laugh and cry and hit each other at the same time, no walking around in your spectacles and oversized shirt with your hair in a mess comfortably,

no love.

if i had derived something from that period 7 months ago, it would be that in order for love to last, i had to change myself first.

perfect love does not exist.

you see all the perfect couples with their perfect Instagram pictures and their perfect Instagram caption but you don't see the tears, the fights, the arguments.
when you allow yourself to go into a relationship, you have to prepare yourself for the fact that it's not always happy moments, flowers, hugs and kisses and lovey dovey words.

sometimes it's pain, anger, hurt, pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain.

5 things i learnt...that if i were looking towards forever and that if this is the person i love above all else... then:


1. you need to stop acting like you're single
    
2. you need to put yourself in their shoes


3. you need to let go of your ego


4. never stop treating them like how you chased and loved them at the beginning 

5. tell them you love them - all the time.

- Christy