I feel like a completely new person, I feel like I am in control of myself and that I am not.
I feel so happy, and I feel scared because change is frightening but I am embracing change because I want to change.
All my life I have been working out all kinds of ways to be skinny, to be called skinny, because I thought skinny meant pretty, skinny meant validation, skinny meant everything.
Then I became "skinny".
And people would always say stuff like:
"Look at that bowl of food, you won't be able to finish it."
I can, don't underestimate me. I'm a savage. I can eat 6 plates when I'm at a buffet. I can eat a horse and a hippo and I can eat you.
"You're so skinny, eat more!"
I'm eating a lot, I just exercise a lot too.
And then my Mum would always tell me this:
"You're so skinny now, remember when you were younger and chubbier? You were so adorable."
I don't want to remember. I hated myself when I was younger.
____________________________________
I do not actually have a skinny frame, I have a slim frame. But I was so often pelted with synonyms related to "skinny" I gradually got fed up.
Whenever skinny was mentioned, it would amount to something associated with "weak" as well.
"you're so tiny... you must be weak as heck too, don't lift that"...
and the labels "typical skinny bimbo"
and "god-given skinny body"
............
Suddenly something that I worked so hard for felt like a sham.
Forget skinny.
I want to be strong, stronger.
I want to get back the butt I lost in my fight for skinny.
I want to have broader shoulders and thicker arms.
I want change, for my own growth.
I have gotten into the sport of lifting.
Previously I mostly based my fitness progress on a guide called BBG where I mostly used body weight motions and some light weights here and there. It has been almost 4 months since I first started the guide and I am now on week 16 (beginning from tomorrow).
Not only am I doing BBG 2.0 now, but I have also incorporated weight training 2-3x a week in my regime.
I am eating more than before as well - not missing any one of my meals, tracking my macros (rather seriously) and looking forward to each and every one of my weight training sessions.
To eat more is scary but it is necessary. Till date I have gained about 2kg, which has both enthralled and sort of frightened me. I weighed in 44kg previously and I'm almost 166cm tall, so I knew my weight wasn't practical for my height. Now I am 46kg, and I may still be intending to put on some more because..... gotta eat a calorie surplus in order to gain muscle. ;)
I can feel the change in myself.
Building up muscle is a slow process for women, but when there is sheer determination and consistency anything is possible.
There will be people who will look at you with contempt and question your aspirations. You will have to remember why you're doing it and forget their inputs.
.....I am doing this because it makes me happy, it makes me grow; it is part of my spiritual journey.
