Day 1:
My waterpipes burst everywhere I went
I found myself choking on screams in the lecture theater, on the sidewalk, on a bus
I cried so hard in the shower and in my own bed
Day 2:
I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking of you and her in your bed together
Day 3:
I walked around like a ghost and drew pictures of dark ugly creatures and it scared my parents so much but I told them I was okay
Day 4:
I believed I had recovered, but now I think my mind was playing cruel tricks on me
Day 5:
I told everyone who asked that I was okay
Day 8:
I had a mental battle
I wanted out
but then I didn't
Day 10:
I went to her profile today and deliberately started a chat with her just so I could see what reaction I could spark
Day 11:
She posted a picture of you and her to spite me and it lit my throat on fire
Day 13:
I managed to unwrap the perfume you gave me as a last gift on the last day we met but I couldn't bring myself to use it
Day 15:
I still think about you sometimes but these thoughts don't haunt me anymore
Day 16:
I thought I experienced some flecks of happiness from saying good morning to my neighbor and my mother's late night cooking and the euphoric satisfaction I gained from my exercises that kept me anchored
Day 17:
I sprayed the perfume you gave me as a last gift on the last day we met and the smell hit me and I felt like my scab had been ripped off once again
Day 18:
I found out today that maybe you are together with her and that maybe it's no longer just a friends with benefits thing and that maybe you love her and maybe she loves you and maybe both of you are gonna get married and she's going to forever be the one who stole my dream
and it filled me with a sour aftertaste but my ribs didn't break
Day 20:
I only thought about you twice
On the bus ride to school and when I laid in bed at night
Day 21:
I was tired and I walked out of school today
I don't think it ever stops hurting
I remember when you told me that maybe one day our paths would cross again and we could be together maybe when we are older and wiser and a little stronger
I was hopeful and I wished for time to accelerate so that the hands of fate could bring us together again but
Now i don't think I would want that to happen
Day 24:
I didn't think about you for an entire day because I was busy talking to other people
Day 33:
I didn't think about you for an entire night because I kissed someone else
Day 35:
He makes me happy
Day 37:
and He makes me happy too
Day 38:
I saw a video of her you posted and my throat burned and my head ached but it was more like a dull resignation like the forgotten scar on my elbow that only assumes its existence when somebody asks
Day 40; today
I thought I needed someone else to fill up the abysmal nothingness I felt but then I was wrong
I don't know what happened but I awoke today and I was shaken by a realization that...
I really didn't need anybody
I ready didn't need anything more other than a friend.
September holidays has finally taken its appearance in my life and swooped me up into an embrace. Realizations and reality have finally cleared my blurry eyes and my entranced heart.
It is no longer a fluttering, fleeting thing pounding and screaming escapism in its cage.
I have finally decided on something logical.
I actually really like being a separate entity. No hindrances nor commitments; no need to fork out my time for weekly meet ups and no need to fork out my time to communicate all the time via cyber space.
I am actually not much of a social butterfly, I treasure quality time spent with myself as much as quality time spent with my mum.
As for now I will focus on building myself up as a person and also my much dreaded promotional examinations that is coming up in approximately a week and a half.
The spiritual journey is an inward progression.
The spiritual journey is an inward progression.
Chris x
Head over to my spare account for more updates and snippets of my daily life:
